Pet Care Conspirator Pillows

'We've just been declawed and a new couch is delivered: Not a coincidence if you ask me...'

'Oh don't listen to him! Norman wasn't a motivational guru... he was just that cat in those silly 'hang in there' posters.'

'It's a pterodactyl-house.'

"It's a bit of a surprise. He has eaten people before, but only when he felt threatened. Your husband must have provoked him."

"You spoil those pterodactyls!"

Go to settings, sounds, ringtone, whistle, who can hear this, then tap only me.

"Listen, that's a Tang Dynasty urn we just broke."

'This won't take long, nurse. This is the dog that got my best friend last summer.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

"Well, if I didn't send away for an entry application to the cat show, and you didn't send away for an entry application, who did?"

"It's David."

"My dog is a finicky eater. He refuses to eat my homework."

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

"Who wants to go for walkies?"

"The human is back - act normal."

Art Pets

"Can you train him to bite my husband whenever the trash gets full?"

'Tell me where she hides the treats and I'll get you a straw.'

"We get in, we go down, we walk to the Park. I do my business; we're in and out in ten minutes. Anyone asks, you're with me."

"I hear he has more than bones buried."

"I wasn't dead yet."

101 uses of a dead cat: chariot wheels.

Dog dreams of sleeping in masters chair.

Do not allow your owner to foul the footpath.

"There he goes, filling their heads with ludicrous conspiracy theories about microchip implants and mass sterilisation programmes…"

The Curse of the Werewolf

'Buster was in a little accident, but he'll be good as new in 6 weeks.'

Handicapped Accessible Hydrant

'Now you do know she needs a bath every week and an oil change every 3000 miles?'

"We will have to go back. The dog wants to go out."

Oh wow. Love your work.

'It's the law. Everybody wears seat belts.'

'Sit!' (Buddhist dog sits in meditation)

A dog locks a man out and sleeps in his bed.

'Scalpel, dammit! Scalpel!'