Personal Finance Fan Pillows

Financial Advisor. Whenever I start collecting the fruits of my labor, I slip on a banana peel. (Published originally on Jan. 25, 2008).

"The Net National Product rose slightly last month."

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

"Gentlemen, I'm pleased to say the firm is perfectly positioned to avoid chapter eleven and still be in existence this time next year."

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Bank Loan Dept. Personal Business. Uh-oh, some loans have gone bad! A tennis pro defaulted and a novelist is in Chapter 7. The bed linens company folded and the scuba school went under! Are any of our loans still good? Yeah, the music streaming service is totally sound! And ironically, the lighting company is in the black!

"Is this the best investment strategy you could come up with?"

Gerry, there are more accurate ways of balancing the petty cash.

Business of Fingerpointing Line Art

LEMONADE 50 CENTS, 'I'm only seven years old -- I don't HAVE a credit rating yet!'

"I think I just solved my cash flow problem."

All bets are off as Round One begins in the "Dollars versus Donuts" World Championship title fight.

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

European currency on the edge.

"I made money the old fashioned way. I inherited it."

Shop struggles to sell books about recession: '90 per cent off on all credit crunch books' (Titles incluude: Beat the Crunch! Who's to Blame? We're all Doomed!)

'The bad news is it's all our client's money.'

Economy - USA.

Warning that Inflationary Policies Could Lead to Crash on Wall St

'well of course I'm giving your portfolio the attention it deserves, I'm even wearing a black armband!'

What do you suggest we do about this?

'A short economics test - if you bought something for

I love it when you speak Wall Streetese. Say 'to the upside' for me.

"They've made these fund prospectuses much easier to read." Brochure states; 'Give us all your money and get lost."

Hedge fund sharks attacking 'The Markets' ship.

Man pushing Euro sign up a hill.

'Not feeling well? Don't be silly - your EKG has outperformed the Dow.'

"Allow me to introduce Recession. Recession is here to stay."

"I was going to tell you it's a jungle out there, but I realize that's probably old news to you."

Fiscal Compass for the Global Investor.

"Hey, honey, the credit card company increased our debt... I mean our credit limit!"

'Stand back! All he needs is an injection of long-term capital.'

'Does it bother you that we have all the money?'

'...and this time Gerald, don't refer to the RBS as the Ripoff Bonus Scheme!'

Tempest in a Teapot