Performance Review Pundit T-Shirts

Some line managers like to use graphs in performance management meetings.

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

'I don't understand why you always put me in goal?!'

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

'You know the economy's in trouble when the Forbes 400 list of wealthiest Americans only has 350 names on it.'

"Okay, money doesn't make you happy. So how about commodity futures?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'At the sales department, we've got to meet our performance targets. We're not here to care about reality.'

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

"That's a very difficult problem to address, Ted, could you restate it as a solution?"

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Targets.

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

Business Target

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"