Performance Review Day Pillows

Performance reviews in Hell.

'How can you make so many mistakes in one report?'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

"It's clear to me that you want to go far with this company."

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

'We like your zip-a-dee. You need to work on your dooh-dah.'

Taking a peek at the audience

"We need to change, but WHEN?"

I'm not making enough money to like you.

Fred wonders if he should go see what's happening in accounting.

"Yes, you have given 100% to this company. But, over the five years you've worked here that's only 20% a year."

Presentation: Thinking each other are idiots.

"Good morning Rudy. I suppose you're wondering why I've summond you....It's time for your annual performance review...."

"Listen Herb, once you become the boss and decide who gets a raise, then you can have a raise."

Sales chart plummets into employees head.

'Last year we increased sales by 100%.'

"I can't sit down. Don't you remember? I worked my butt off for you."

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'

Sales - "Any other suggestion besides getting a bigger chart?"

"Try not to think of them just as a 'customer' but rather as your only chance of paying your mortgage and putting food on your plate."

'It appears you've done a wonderful job...of not getting fired.'

"No annual raises, but I will 'like' all your hard work on Facebook."

"A great quarter always puts the old man in a jocular mood."

Targets.

"I don't know whether your tired, anxious, nervous, or whatever. But it looks like a clear case of performance anxiety."

"You need to stand up for yourself, or at least sit up straight."

Business Target

"On reflection i think i could have coped with just 340' feedback."

Performance management: "We decided to get rid of the carrot and keep the stick."

"Make yourself comfortable so that we can discuss your raise."

'I think I found the bottleneck, Boss.'

'Looks like the perfect time to bring in our profit sharing scheme.'

"Sorry, you can't cash in your vacation time. Since you didn't use it, tell it Bon Voyage!"

"Gosh, 'inept' seems so harsh. Personally, I prefer the term 'productivity-challenged!'"