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"... And that's an 18-pound piece of tofu I shot at Whole Foods."

"Greetings, I'm the bluebird of dank memes."

Sale on the same stuff as last week.

"I've seem an awful lot of movies ever since they cut them all down to two minutes."

"Do you do temporary ones that last about two weeks?"

Studies show foods work miracles!

"We made all the wheels out of old coffee tables and chandeliers."

On Aug. 3, 1992, the Moon rose over the horizon wearing heavy eye-liner and mohawk. Fortunately it was just a phase.

"Faster! Middle age is gaining on you!"

"We're making a video of us watching TV so we can watch ourselves watching TV...later."

"You're fortunate. Stubble looks really good on you."

"That shirt is so last year."

'If you're looking for compensatory materialism on wheels, look no further.'

"Pumpkin spice has been very good to me."

Final words on gravestones.

"D'you remember caramel before it all became 'salted?'"

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

Giraffe Selfie

An alternative theory as to why dinosaurs are extinct.

"Not until you've arranged your pillows."

"I've been wondering if there isn't some way we could capitalize on the cat craze."

"One man with a mustache is manly. Sexy. Magnetic."

"Which 'ism' am I this week, Ms. Trotter?"

"Great, the end of the world and I'm going to be first on facebook with pictures!!"

In the not too distant future... "It's a tribal butterfly tramp stamp, honey. Same as yours."

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

"My new watch has a G.P.S. function but it always puts me in the right place at the wrong time."

"This isn't working. We have nothing in common."

'Just this once, but I want a piece of the action.'

Wishful Thinking Magazine - circulation chart.