Online Life Observer Pillows

"I seem to have forgotten to opt out of Facebook being able to take my liver."

"Living in a city with functional infrastructure must be so boring."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

"We're looking for that perfect blend of vision, ambition and ethical ambiguity."

'This country is on the road to ruin.' - 'Well, it'll never get there in this traffic.'

"Serendipity is not a strategy."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

"It's his emotional support animal."

Terry had a computer bug.

'I'm looking for an assistant who knows my job, can do my job, but has no interest in having my job.'

"Life: play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, play, school, first love, brief happiness, breakup, regret, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, school, play, work, play, w

Life and Death

"This afternoon, we'll be turning our attention to Guess jeans."

"Of course, the actual honey is all made overseas."

Fire hydrant with regular or sparkling water

"Ok, maybe this isn't happening."

"I've put every one of those vital master copies through here, and it took ages. Where do the copies come out?"

"Beats me how pregnancy has survived into the modern era. There's no reception desk, product guarantee nor customer service department!"

"Mom said mopping up my snow tracks is a good start for my bucket list."

"No, it's not codependency. The neediness is just in one direction."

"Remember that requirement that you work without supervision? Forget it."

'My salary increase got a few oo-hs.. but no ah-hs..'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

"He was much more effective in the field."

"Closing averages on the human scene were mixed today. Brotherly love was down two points, while enlightened self-interest gained a half. Vanity showed no movement, and guarded optimism slipped a point in sluggish trading. Over all, the status quo remained unchanged."

'Put simply, we need our website to tell consumers all about our company without really telling them anything about our company,'

'Have you ever noticed that as you get older, your thin things get thicker and your thick things get thicker?'

Mice 25¢

Jenkins! Why is it everything in this office is voice-activated except you?

Man behind stage to lady about professor with person under podium: 'That's Professor Allen's understudy.'

"And the tech guy said not to worry if I lost my phone. There's an app for that..."

In case of panic, push button.

All You Can Tweet Restaurant.

"I've got your letter in front of me now, sir."