Online Joker Prints

'Irwin is computer savvy, but his virtual persona is even more boring than his real persona.'

Yeah, I used to get on message boards...

"Nope, not what livestream means, Bob."

"On the internet, nobody knows I'm a dog because I use a cat profile pic."

"We lost Mr. Speak No Evil when he became a blogger."

Bob has invited you to like his site 'People Who Hate To Get Invitations To Like Sites'.

Send this message to ten of your friends and you will be happy...

"You look a lot different than your profile picture."

"She's at that age when everything embarrasses her. She said so on Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, Instagram, Tumblr..."

'Keep me informed of the herds' mood.'

"It's a memo from the legal department reminding us to (heh-heh), 'keep our noses clean'."

"So then the VP of Sales looks right at me and says 'Larry, what's going on? We don't have any traction in the market.' Like it's MY fault!"

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'Try and be negative in a positive way.'

Child laughs while making farting sound under arm. Dad says, 'Isn't it nice when they find something they're good at?

"Your mother called to remind you to diversify."

'Bad news, sir -- there's a leak in our think tank!'

"If Google Translate is correct, they want our women and our cattle."

'You really want that promotion, don't you, Sherman?'

'How about a game of cards?'

"To make this interview more entertaining I would like you to take a breath of helium before answering the questions."

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

'Please leave the light on, dear. I'm afraid there might be OSHA inspectors under the bed.' 'Managers at Night.'

Get crazy once in a while

'Before we start, shall we go round the table, and each share our name and a horrible dark secret from our past.'

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?' 'The most you can give me!'

'He doesn't like people walking in - try crawling.'

'Careful, that's where the boss keeps his ego.'

"Ok... for today I want a 500-word essay on what you know about nothing."

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"In my old job we were encouraged to run fast and break things."

"Call security, Miss Rightman. I have an overwhelming urge to throw good money after bad"

'You're off the plane, Hal. Put the laptop on your desk.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

Check zombies.