Online Comment Connoisseur Prints

The First Asshole

Reading my Critics

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

Men gossiping

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Wow, you look sexy today."

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

S**t Threw a Goose

Sculptor's chippings

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

"Thank you, Nathaniel. I think you, too, are a very scary young lawyer."

"I would never do a nude scene, unless the part really called for it."

'This advertising campagn is stupid and disgusting and it appeals to peoples' most primitive instincts. I love it.'

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

White Wine Wisdom (2)

"The show's a big hit, but a little too risque. It's not worth the aggravation we're getting from the watchdog groups."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

Barbed Pen

"He says he's a Professor of Rhetoric but I'm not persuaded."

'You dance like my mother.'