Old House Enthusiast Pillows

"These older homes are tricky. You never know what kind of pipes you'll find."

'Alone for the weekend at last!'

'...then Johannes Gutenberg built the first bookcase'

"You never told me your dad was so delightfully old-fashioned."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

Antiques

"Oh it's not haunted, it's just really old and nothing works."

'There's no delete key. You have to use the board eraser.'

"I put my faith in coal. Because there’s no fuel like an old fuel."

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

'Do you know what I miss? - Chalk talks!'

Inventor of the Tudor spirit-level

"You're unlikely to find anyplace on the market that is truly impregnable."

For sale sign: 'Unique 16th Century cottage. Similar properties wanted.'

"I'm still looking, sir?"

"It's like a tiny house, but bigger."

Authentic Rinkelmier chair (Built 1723)

"I'd like to make a return."

Books of Tablets

"Of course it sends your message digitally. If you want analogue we'll have to saddle up old Bessie."

The Old Curiosity Shop

I brake for anything discarded that I can bring to the antiques roadshow.

Queen Anne

'I'm afraid my husband will stop loving me as I get older.' - 'Mine would never do that with me. You know why, don't you. He's an antique dealer.'

Antique silver

"I've up cycled your Chippendale!"

Bath Bonfire

My own museum.

'And exactly where did you find the 'antique salami slicer'?'

'But Grandma, how did you text on them?'

'Don't even think about it, Walter.'

'Now we come to what it would have been worth'

"And what do you think my husband is worth?"