Office Satire Lover Pillows

CEO and COO.

"Oh no, not someone else with a mission statement."

'Of course, this plan requires that you all work for free.'

Giving Feedback

'Aren't you glad we had this meeting to resolve our conflict?'

'I am more than willing to acknowledge my mistakes if someone is stupid enough to point them out to me.'

'I'm sorry, sir, this is the department of Immediate Dissatisfaction. Your appointment is with the Bureau of Eternal Frustration.'

'Unfortunately our policy initiative of a '360' degree client facing strategic realignment of core structural...'

'I'm giving you a praise. It's not a raise but it will look good on your evaluation.'

'Honesty is the best policy. It's also our most expensive.'

'As the intern, it'll be your job to work for free.'

'OK, you've been working like a dog. What's your point?'

"So that's agreed then, we don't need to make any changes to our equal opportunities employment practices!"

'I think it's time I put my priorities in order... I want you to find out what they are.'

'Looks like we're in for another headcount reduction.'

'Everything okay, Phillips?'

"If you work real hard and are willing to put in the hours, the sky's the limit."

'I've been given a new territory - the pasture.'

"Sorry, sir, only senior management are allowed in this room."

"Could you come in here and chase my tail?"

"But I already asked the other parent company. They told me to ask you."

RE Agency - "You do realise that this will be expensive"

"We have no mandatory retirement age, Dave, but under certain conditions we tend to encourage people to die."

'I always encourage employees to think for themselves, as long as they think what I tell them.'

"Your boss asked our boss to have our people talk with your people."

'Prepare a list of our employees who go outside to smoke. Our healthcare costs are too high so I want to know who to let go.'

"You really need to work on your ideas that i take all the credit for."

I think I know what's causing your low morale.

'You've been a valued employee, Smythe, but your position has been terminated. Your remains will be put in a vase and sent to your current address.'

I have an opening for someone like you. It's called a door.

'Excellent, Goldsmith. Offering me your resignation is the best idea you've had since joining this company.'

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

'We've decided to upgrade your position with a new version 2.0 employee.'

"Step in here Kimble, I'd like a word with you about your expense account."

Man prepares to jump from building. Colleague says: 'Can I have your stapler?'