Office Politics Pillows

"Well that answers the question 'Does the CEO understand what we do?'!"

'Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'To address this mistake we must use root-cause analysis. I'll begin by saying it's not my fault.'

"Sometimes I think the collaborative process would work better without you."

'So, now we have ascertained who is responsible...'

"Your integrity is on the line. Want me to say you're in a meeting?"

"The report is damning about the lack of strong leadership... I think we need to table some time to consider the option of setting up a policy sub-commitee to look at our options..."

'Boswell, it's been brought to my attention that your hidden agenda is in direct conflict with my hidden agenda.'

'My policy is to stay in close contact with my employees . . . figuratively speaking.'

'Sure it's a partnership, Elwood, but it's a limited partnership, and you're the one who's limited.'

Tug of Negotiation and Conciliation.

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Well we've had our 15% budget cut confirmed, nobody's applied for our vacancies and we're moving the office into a portocabin in the carpark. Item 2 staff morale"

'What if, and I know this sounds kooky, we communicated with the employees.'

'I called this emergency meeting to discuss the lack of respect I've been getting around here lately.'

"It's the new management structure, the worker's the one at the bottom..."

We don't want statistics that reflect the actual market situation. We want statistics that reflect what was decided in this boardroom!

The worker/the man who monitors the worker/the man who wrote the draft policy guidelines on how to monitor the man monitoring the worker.

'The company is doing much better since we outsourced our ethics division to tribal warlords.'

'This is quite a scathing memo, Jane. Would you mind elaborating on the 'pervasive herd mentality' you claim our firm is riddled with?'

'What a great day! I spent the morning burning bridges and the afternoon putting out fires!'

'Even though you're the client, it's my duty to tell you you're wrong. . . Ok then. Speak slowly so I can write down your every whim.'

Bureaucrat/lawyer speaks legal gobbledegook to assistant with tea tray. Secretary translates: 'That'll be two sugars then.'

"Unofficially I can tell you that the information that you want to know is SECRET...but if you give me a few months to talk to the rght people and grease a few palms then I think I'll be able to get official..."

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

'Workplace conflict?'

"And mark it 'strictly confidential' - I want everybody to read it."

"It's the new management structure, the workers the one at the bottom."

"I've had enough reports for one day. Bring me some gossip."

'Mr. Bigmeister says you may come in, but only if you promise to respect the present hierarchy of dominance.'

"First of all, let's find out who blew the whistle on us."

'Keep practicing, Johnson. You have to learn to jump through all of them at the same time.'

To Err Is Human: To Forgive is Against Company Policy.