Office Etiquette Expert Pillows

"I don't mind getting email from you, Stevens. But don't ever send me another smiley-face emoji."

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

'Yes, as a matter of fact, you have caught me at a bad time.'

"Hi. What kind of wine goes with fruit salad?"

"Cards to remind people that you still haven’t gotten a thank you note from them"

'Pigs feet, sir?' 'Are they pickled?'

'Try and be pleasant dear, you don't want to alienate it.'

'Personally I think one great improvement to these tea dances would be some tables.'

'Your proposal is written with clarity and conviction. Send it up to legal for obfuscation.'

"Ma'am, why don't you go ahead of me?" "Um... no thanks. Let's let this gentleman go ahead of us." "Oh, no... you ladies go right ahead!"

If bar stools were like playground swings...

'No high dives off the veranda, OK?'

"Yoo hoo, the meeting's over here."

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

The awkwardness of one's first officeplace fist-bump.

'High five Sir? We usually seal the deal with a handshake.'

"I hit reply all too many times."

"This time when they show us their latest acquisition, we'll gush regardless."

'Can you pass me the saw-dust when you're finished with it Darling?'

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"I will have the riesling, and a thimble of your best pinot noir for the little lady."

Office computer: 'Thank you for not using me for personal business.'

"Smoking or nonsmoking?"

Let's shake on it.

"When offering the wine list, we don't say, 'Something to wash that down with'!"

Ladies' Game

Gratuities: Fine presumptuous dining.

"I need you to look at the big picture, Boswell. Not the little one of my trophy wife."

"Do we need change? That's a $100 bill for a $53 check, Mr. Presumptuous."

"He must have picked that up at the kennel."

"I can check again, but Mr. Saunders usually insists on the full wait."

'I realize this is your first sales call, young man, but 15 minutes is way too long to shake hands.'

"So I sold him six with a 23% profit margin, so what do you think of that!"

That's a good question, Ossie... may I call you 'Ossie', Ossie?

"Guys, can you be quiet for a minute please: I'm on a call!"