Office Door Decoder Pillows

Toughing it out in the real estate game.

What Business People often say (and what they really mean)

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'You might show a little excitement at the figures, Johnson!'

'Physical or Social Science?'

'It's not encrypted, Captain. That's just the clerk's usual typing.'

"The quicksand was corporate's idea. I wanted to fire you for going over my head. They wanted to send a message."

Information vs. confusion

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

Market Research - "I'm trying to remember to pick up a loaf of bread, but there's a 38% probability that I'll forget."

"I have some character-building news for you."

"Well, yes, I suppose I could explain the test results in 'plain English' — but then you'd know how sick you are."

'On the paupiettes de boeuf a la hongroise, which part is the hongroise?'

"The doctors call it Polymyositis, but I call it 'Military Arthritis' because it comes with a lot of fatigue."

Office of Lyrics You Can't Understand

'Curiosity'

"This is probably how they keep getting in."

'Baby and Child Care Guidelines'

'Is this a Greek restaurant?'

"It says to sign, and then print my name... can I use the school printer?"

Snail Peephole

"The chocolate pudding is chef's digital signature dish."

"i'm trying to remember the type of California white wine but I like, but my mind keeps drawing a blanc."

'No, no, no...that's far too legible. Shakier. Much shakier!'

'I'm now ready to make my own way in the world. But first, can you guys loan me 200 grand to pay off my student loan?'

'I think we took a wrong turn.'

Marooned Optometrist

'It's the toxic learning environment.'

Revenue Canada gift shop.

"The vasectomy clinic? Go past the barbers, left at the scissor factory, cut through the bollards and it's opposite the sewing machine shop."

"Welcome to tech support. You have three minutes to rage at me before we put an actual technician on the line."

"How the heck do I know what the password is? That's just a line of flippin' dots!"