Offbeat House Hunters Gifts

'I'm sorry Rudi - we're looking for something a bit closer to the shops'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

'We'll take it!'

Open House of Horrors

"A little baking soda will get rid of the smell.

"I want to live in a neighborhood where I can walk around at night."

"Today on Escape to the Country Emily & Oliver are looking for that special little property in the Cotswolds. So what exactly's going to tick all their boxes?"

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'The owners are a bunch of clowns.'

For sale sign: 'Unique 16th Century cottage. Similar properties wanted.'

'I see a carefree lifestyle by a quiet lake. No, wait, my mistake - looks like I called up the real estate section.'

'...and the property lies in a beautiful valley by the banks of the river...'

'It is a huge property, originally built by a Condor: Perfect for a large family...'

"The roof is old and leaks. The good news is when it rains you'll get an additional 3 showers."

"Well, it is a good property. The price is low because it is harder to negotiate due to its S-bend configuration."

"And the bathroom has a water view...if you fill the tub."

'Well I think everything is in order, congratulations on your new home!'

"This neighborhood has a strong sense of community that borders on siege mentality."

"It's got everything: northern exposure, hardwood floors, central tree."

"This is a lovely three bedroom detached property, with close proximity to Heathrow and the M25!"

"If a sixth borough opens up, I'll let you know."

"And the kitchen is ideal for people who like to eat out."

'...and you may notice a few of the previous owner's personal touches.'

"Not too big a garden-my wife tires easily!"

"Architectural Digest calls it 'Twilight chic.'"

Couple wanting to buy the estate agents office.

"The current owners removed a number of walls and used soft, neutral tones to create a very spacious, open concept."

"They're willing to throw in their kidneys."

Letting agent on the phone: 'OK, so there's fungus in the bathroom - but on the plus side, it IS organic.'

'We've talked it over and we've decided we'd like to make an offer.'

"It's a nice unit, but there may be a faint odor from the last tenant..." "Yeah, enough to make you faint."

'Oh, it's perfect, George! And it has termites, too!'