Nursing Home Humor Enthusiast Pillows

"Poor old dear can't talk much anymore I wonder what he's thinking...?" "Nice tits."

"We're keeping you overnight because the nurses love you!"

"I'm afraid we'll have to operate. Your appendix has an infection and it's extremely aggressive."

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

An organ flies across the room during an operation - 'Catch it...!'

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

'Time for your pills.'

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

"It says you need a CT scan and that the azaleas in the corner need to be watered twice daily."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

The importance of paying attention in med school.

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"We can give you enough medication to alleviate the pain, but not enough to make it fun."

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

'Snap out of it.'

'This could be a very expensive operation — I'm going to refer you to the Federal Government.'

"Sorry, new style pain killer. It's the cut-backs I'm afraid."

Big slipper.

"Norton! Put that back at once!"

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

"His wife and family will decide on the course of treatment, but, as his ex, feel free to open up a few old wounds."

"The nurse thinks she's sneaky, but I know my meds are in the peanut butter."

'Have you heard about the new Medicare drug plan called plan C? Medicare gives you $30 for a bus ticket to Canada!'

"We're a bit understaffed today, could you be 6 people?"

'I think it's your colon. I came to that conclusion through the process of elimination.'

'The Doctor says you can be discharged - so I've brought you a list of jobs you can do when you get home!'