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'Good evening. I'm the scary person who'll be hiding under your son's bed tonight!'

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

"There's no way we can get him ow. He's completely under the covers."

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

"He's right―there is something under the bed!"

Alice in Wonderland: Alice and the Dodo.

Fairtale prosecutions.

'See, there are no people in your closet. Now, go to sleep!'

"Can I hear Goldilocks and the three hares?"

"Can you read me a bedtime story about ponies, next time?"

"Long Johns Silver."

"Papi, I heard something!"

'You see? There are no Wall Street millionaires under your bed.'

Monster fixing boy's car bed.

'OVERSLEPT? All four thousand of them???'

'If you're alone in here, who just said 'Ribbit'?'

Man reading in lamp

"No, let down your hair!"

Signs grampa has run out of 'When I Was Your Age' stories.

"Well, I just experienced my first misophoia trigger."

"So, did Little Red Riding Hood have really bad eyesight or something?"

'... and they lived co-dependently ever after...'

'The prince and the princess lived happily ever after on their profits from capital-appreciation funds.'

Goldilocks reads note from three bears: Gone for a walk in the woods. Your porridge is on the table.

'It's the most amazing case of rapid eye movement I've ever seen.'

'You read him Jack and the Beanstalk again, didn't you?'

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

Oh, come on. Don't think of this as 'going to bed.' Think of this as a short break between nighttime naughtiness and morning mayhem.

"No dear - there are no malcontents at odds with society under your bed."

"And then they went and did work in a coffee shop and lived happily ever after."