Nhs Fan Prints

GP Recruitment Quota Lottery

'Well I'm blowed if I know what any of this means!'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

Corona Funeral

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"Darn it, lost another swab."

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

Give me your sick...

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'I hope you all appreciate the irony in this.'

'Let me though! - I'm a Doctor.'

Paramedics.

'Get this, Dr. Melroy just asked my opinion.'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'Pick up your bed and walk woman, for the NHS is not long for this world.'

Mort, the doctor says you can't get too riled up. It's bad for your heart. Yes, dear. You're not a young man anymore. You're not in tip-top shape. You don't eat well. You're not so muscular. I'm not a fan of your haircut. Nurse!

'I'm afraid the bed shortage is rather acute...'

"Don't just stand there gawping women! Give me a hand with my monthly salary!"

'You sounded better yesterday.'

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

J. Greeble, MD: Practice limited to simple, straightforward, old-fashioned diseases.

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

DOH should create a simple prevalence formula that works.

'She's seen a man wandering round in his underpants!'

"But the P.R. guy says he's going to be O.K."

'Whew! Five surgeries in one day! Well, let's try to make this last one end on a happy note!'

"We'd like you to be at breaking point seven days a week."

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'