Nhs Fan Prints

GP Recruitment Quota Lottery

'Well I'm blowed if I know what any of this means!'

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

Corona Funeral

"Nurse, when I asked you to make the patient more comfortable I just meant plump up his pillows!"

"Tut tut. You're only having a baby, if you had my flu last week you'd know what real pain was."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

"Darn it, lost another swab."

Maternity Unit - 'Congratulations! It's a midwife!'

'Is that guy back again? Hey, if you find that sponge I lost, give a shout.'

GP to cat - 'In view of the new polyclinic up the road, yes we are opening our books to new patients.'

Locum GP's to be paid for extra work on the BMA agreement

'If you could roll up your sleeves, go behind the screen and plaster the wall.'

Give me your sick...

'Sure we're underfunded, but we manage!'

'I hope you all appreciate the irony in this.'

'Pick up your bed and walk woman, for the NHS is not long for this world.'

Paramedics.

'Get this, Dr. Melroy just asked my opinion.'

"Do you have a family history of this condition?"

'Let me though! - I'm a Doctor.'

'I'm afraid the bed shortage is rather acute...'

"Don't just stand there gawping women! Give me a hand with my monthly salary!"

'You sounded better yesterday.'

'The good news is, we were able to save your leg'.

'She's seen a man wandering round in his underpants!'

Some people have their own methods of dealing with a shortage of nurses

J. Greeble, MD: Practice limited to simple, straightforward, old-fashioned diseases.

DOH should create a simple prevalence formula that works.

"But the P.R. guy says he's going to be O.K."

'Try not to think about your car-parking charges.'

"We'd like you to be at breaking point seven days a week."

Thank you healthcare heroes

"despite the EKG monitor I can assure you this man is dead inside."