News Watching Pillows

'In today's action, the Dow Jones Industrial Average cratered, then soared, then swooned, then skyrocketed, then plummeted, then rebounded, and finally threw up.'

"The sudden resignation caught many by surprise. 'I wish to spend more time with my family,' he said. When contacted, his family replied, 'Who?'"

'Studies show people are more likely to disagree with something than agree with it.'( 'That's not true.')

"Pour yourself a drink - the news isn't too good"

"Yeah? Well, my uninformed vote counts just as much as yours, mister-good-citizen-news-freak."

"The stock market was down because more people wanted to sell stocks than buy them."

'Stocks rebounded from the downturn on news that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.'

'Today the stock market was moribund, as growth equities sputtered and bonds dipped due to the inverted yield curve. I'd translate that into layman's terms...but they don't pay me enough.'

'The economy today got a boost from Alan Greenspan, who said it's O.K. to be irrationally exuberant.'

Couple watches the news, seeing 'News, Fake News, Weather, and Sports'.

'The Federal Government today authorized a ten-year study of all its five-year studies.'

'Next on News 7...GM offers to bail out the government in the event of a shutdown...'

"Those are the headlines, and we'll be back in a moment to blow them out of proportion."

'Bad news for those of you who believe goods and services should be exchanged for money.'

"He refused to go outside, so I had to be cruel. I put the election coverage on the TV. Even he can't stomach it."

'Economic indicators were up...but random acts of human kindness were down.'

The Panic Forecast

'The F.D.A. has recalled everything!'

Political bias in the weather channel

'Do you want to watch the, 'everything's terrible' cable news or the 'everything's wonderful' cable news?'

"That's right! It's time for the news! Now man-up and face the gruesome details!"

URBAN FOXES,SPECIAL REPORT.

"And now a special report from 'News 4' Science Editor, Dr. Frank Lovell, on how to remove your own gallbladder."

"The network's infotainment division thinks you should open with a song."

"You want to hear the facts according to your favorite cable new station or mine?"

"Harlow is unbiased politically. He hates the whole human race."

Health news - hearing loss is irrelevant.

'The trouble is not with your set -- the station just got hit with a new batch of politically correct Federal regulations.'

"Analysts warn that computerization of the villages won't give the expected results!"

'In an unexpected move today, the Optimists' Club gave up.'

Billy strip: too young to watch the news.

'Here are the latest poll results...'hype' leads 'truth' by a 2-1 margin.'

'It's 10pm, does anyone know how much the U.S. dollar is worth?'

'And now a quick glance at tonight's top news stories.... Yikes!'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''