News Reporter Prints

"Remember how I said I was happiest when we had nothing?"

"Poll numbers remained unchanged today, as people used recent events to reinforce whatever views they already had."

DAILY DESPAIR - Right we'll lead on 'environmental armageddon followed by the bird flu ' end of humanity story' and the main feature will be questioning the reasons for increases in depression.

"We know nothing. We'll be back in five minutes with nothing more."

The Doom Channel

Man with mobile phone says: 'I can't call for help, I'm filming this for the TV news.'

'Stocks declined on news that everyone is playing online poker instead of playing the stock market.'

"The freed hostages were then offered counseling. Most refused and had to be rounded up and forced to go."

"Meaningless statistics were up one-point-five per cent this month over last month."

On the Science Newsbeat: 'Come back in...oh...let's say a year or two.'

No news is good news.

'We don't have a press officer we have lawyers.'

"...and now...coming into view...the first man ever to climb this treacherous mountain!"

"This new reality show is boring and stupid!" "You're watching the news!"

"We need to start seeing other news sources."

Stop the press, we've got an exclusive press release.

'Well, SOMEBODY leaked the frog incident to the press!'

"For a change of pace, you shout and answer and I'll make up a question."

'And there you have it, Ladies and Gentlemen: News straight from the horse's mouth...'

"The relatively placid seas and those vacationers behind me notwithstanding, Dan, it's really starting to blow out here."

'And it continues to fall! This is the big chill! The wintery whiteout! The new Ice Age! Snowageddon!'

News presenters read inane text messages from viewers: 'And a text from Stuart in Gloucester ... HAHAHA DAT CRAKS ME UP!!! LOL!! UR DA GR8EST :-)XOXOX'

'Boom or bust?'

"Extra! Extra! Read all about it for free on our website."

'Stocks are down. Bonds are down. Terrorism and natural disasters are up. Ask your doctor if medical marijuana is right for you...'

Media give little attention to Darfur tragedy.

'Today in Washington, a study group was formed to study whether study groups are a good idea...'

Up-to-the-minute reporting from our man on the street.

Good morning!

"But the weather looks great for the rest of the week."

"Same old, same old. Back to you Jim."

Reporter on a lead.

'In an effort to make our economic reporting and projections more accurate, our resident weatherman will be delivering the economic news.'

Try not to worry.

"And, in suburban news, construction of the new, attached four-season solarium at 6870 Evercrest Drive continued amid the silent, seething envy of the neighbors."