News Panelist Pillows

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

"Good evening several times and welcome to QI. As usual I'll be asking a series of quite interesting questions and some comedians will be doing a lot of knob and fart gags. It's a winning formula!" "Don't knock it. No one likes knockers!" "Speak for yourself!" "Was that an entendre? I'll have a double." "Mine's a large one!"

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'And this just in from the stock market... buy, sell, buy, sell, buy, sell, buy!'

"As you can see from the books behind me, I pretend to read a lot of books."

"Good evening. In today's top story, my book has jumped to Number Three on the best-seller list."

"Afterward, there will be a short Q. and A. that will be just long enough for one person to take up too much of it."

'When we come back we'll talk to a man who made a fortune on Wall Street and almost got away with it.'

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

Defunding the police vs defunding education

"In financial news, Greek shares continue their slide. Of note, International Feta Cheese continues to crumble."

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

"This is our format: Three minutes to present your case, two minutes each for rebuttal, one minute for summing up, and thirty seconds for claiming victory."

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

Today stocks fell gently like snow dropping on cedars...

"The election is underway!"

'It says here that most people believe what they read in the papers.'

"...and finally..."

Covid Podium

"And now, another news update - updated from the updated news that was updated ten minutes ago..."

'And if you're not confused yet, you will be when this bloke has finished.'

"This week on Sunday Hot Takes, the wage gap between men and women - is it really such a bad thing? Jill, you hate other women, start us off with something awful."

Vaccine efficacy pronunciation

"The subject of tonight's discussion is: why are there no women on this panel?"

'On a personal note, I'm happy to report that I've been promoted from the network's chief 'pundit' to chief 'pontificator'.'

Economic Experts

This is headline news where you can be sure your mind is never taxed.