News Gatherer Prints

Weekend paper with an index to the supplements it contains.

I've been looking forward to this the whole year: It can get lonely out there...

'Hunting and gathering doesn't sound very interesting, so I have decided to become a consultant.'

"Oh, great, there are the Cardwells. Bet you they try to talk to us about their levitating cube."

Community church - the home of religion lite - Sermon: 'Atheism? You may be right!'

Midwest Winter Items.

The 24-Hour Celebrities Doing Something Stupid Channel.

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"Goodnight Tommy, sleeptight, watch the millenium bugs don't bite."

'Where you went wrong' Desk.

"Things happen so fast. What's news when class starts is history when it ends."

"Percy Shattock, Page Three Girls...1979 to 1986."

"When you grow up would you rather be a Hunter or Gatherer?"

'We suspect death by Sunday supplement.'

Horace Greeley's Storm Battered Coat and Hat

'Nothing like some tea and symphony.'

"I had half a date last weekend."

'Read ALL about IT! In other less TRASHIER Newspapers!'

The Before-You-Know It-It'll-Be-Obsolete Computer Company

"Oh, its just a fun fur that my husband got me."

"Facts are good, but we need all the rumors, gossip, and speculation to fully understand the situation."

"...I have the oddest 'earliest memory' and I wanted to share it. It's just as wekkm I guess. Knowing some man secretly attended my first birthday party has caused me to question my parentage all these years....Especially since Mother Park made me promise not to tell Father that the potted plant was acually J. Edgar Hoover."

Scotland Yard - coal heavers singing in a public house

'Newton's fourth law - physicists congregate periodically in obscure European cities to have their picture taken, and then they quickly disperse.

'As a career goal, I'd like to work in government, get the goods on someone, and write a tell-all book.'

Reporters growing on a tree.

Magazine Lover's Weekly magazine

"Boss, there's a rumor going around that someone lost a $1,000 bill in the cafe. There are like 200 people out there." "Interesting. And I assume they're all looking for the $1,000 bill. I assume they don't want anyone else to know about it before they find it." "I assume each of them is buying our food and drink so the others won't suspect they're here with ulterior motives." "I wonder who could have possibly spread such a rumor in the first place?" "Very bad man."

"Back from hunting with nothing again?"

NY Tribune Joins NY Herald on Hobby Horse of Anti-Grant Editorials

"Pick two! Staying abreast of the rapidly evolving global pandemic and what it means for your middle-class suburban life. Creating holiday memories that your kids will treasure throughout their lifetimes. Remembering to eat a vegetable."

"Oh, now I remember you. You live in that big shoe on the corner."

'Wine and. . . fresh news. . .'