Newlywed Humor Appreciator Pillows

Mr and Mrs

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

'Okay.. what the hell.'

Try Mediation

Man with lobotomy scar - "Changed my mind."

"If anyone has googled reasons that these two should not be married..."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

'No, but thanks for asking.'

'If anybody here knows why these two should not be wed...'

Bride is angry, as she notices that the groom figure on the cake is drunk.

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

Barry's fear of commitment crops up again.

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"Erm, I don't think it meant just before the ceremony!!"

Australian wedding, sheep gesturing, 'If there's anybody here who knows why these two should not be wed...'

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

'It started with between-meal snacks -- now he's having between-snack noshes.'

"Hang on, I'll get him for you."

'And do you, Leslie Farnsworth promise to stop wearing camouflage so that your wife will know where you are?'

"Horace, what are we doing on the same cloud? Our vows said 'till death do us part.'"

"His note says the bachelor party was so great, he's decided to remain a bachelor."

'Do you Margaret take Charles to be your etc, etc, etc...just hit the 'I agree' button.'

"It's about time you finished the wall, Herbet...that's your problem, you never finish anything you start!"

'Looks like the doctor confirmed my diagnosis. It's not just your bowel. Everything about you is irritable.'

'Do you promise to love her in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until one day she decides to bite off your head and eat you.'

"I now pronounce you a joint return."

"Now that that's over, let me tell you what I'm really like"

'You can't just nod. You have to say, I do. Good Lord. Are all mimes this annoying, or is it just you?'

"This is a good start! You both agree that the marriage needs some new spark!"

"I'm afraid it's 'I do' ... not 'Undo'."

"To begin with, he ate most of the wedding cake..."

'If someone objects to this union, tweet now or forever hold your peace...'

"... and don't forget to clean out the garage and attic... and the gutters need to be..." "Put a sock in it, Sally. You knew I wasn't an eager beaver when you married me."

Just married.