New Job Negotiation Gifts

'This is the second time in sixteen years you've put in for a raise Wilson. Is money all you think about?! '

"You've got your corner office, so what more do you want?"

"Stock options for your thoughts."

"Miracles happen, gentlemen, but they don't come cheap."

'Our parents were replaced by machines - We'll be replaced with new software.'

'The lads at the office still talk about the day you told the boss what to do with his job...'

"I've never said this to a woman before, but here goes: We're not paying you enough."

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'I'm promoting you to project coordinator because you seem to have an overall view of things.'

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

The Evolution of the Bonus

'It's a lateral move, you'll now be getting all of Kramer's work too.'

'Upset at you for breaching the non-compete? Of course not.'

'I had a thought. Let's scrap everything and start a new fiscal year right now.'

"My salary app pings when another new male exec at my level is making more than 77% of what I make."

'A computer is only as good as the people who are employed to replace the people who were made redundant by the computer.'

PERSONNEL, 'Why did you leave your previous employment?', 'They asked too many questions!'

"Tell the vice presidents they've downsized enough."

The number one injury in today's workplace: severe bends caused by repeated exposure to deep-dive presentations.

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

'We'd like to pay you what you're worth, too, Fenstrom. Unfortunately we must conform to the minimum wage law.'

'Your main goal in this job is getting out alive.'

"Ron didn't realise he was so popular."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Congratulations Smith, you got that promotion. Commiserations Reid, you got that demotion.'

"Sorry, Foster, but I'm letting you go. I just downloaded the 'Scapegoat' app."

"What's the problem? We told you when you started you'd have to make some sacrifices."

'I hear you got your increase.' - 'Yes, that proves my theory, if you whine enough, you get anything you want.'

'A High-pain job? Yes, I believe we have that.'

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

'In the computer simulation he said he admired my candor and gave me a raise.'

Of course I always start off by wooing a prospective candidate with talk of stimulating work,great colleagues and a reasonable work life balance...but the winning argument is always when I promise them enough money to choke a rhino.

'Ask yourself, 'What is it I'm not doing?', and then ask yourself, 'What is it I'm doing too much?'.'