Netiquette Critic T-Shirts

"My Twitter account isn't too interesting. It's mostly just a bunch of threats."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

'Are you finished eating yet, sweetie?...Guess that answers THAT question!'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

"Good game, good game, nice game, namaste, good game, nice game ..."

"Mommy, look! He's man-spreading!"

'Fancy you doing a curtsey and she being a non-serving royal, you big dope!'

Illustration from an Unpublished Novel

"Sir, your ducks, they are not in a row."

'Dang! I never now if the sommelier is messing with me.'

"That table is yours once that party decides to move to the suburbs."

'The Ambassador will not be pleased, Madame.'

'Dang, you were right! It is formal!'

"Great coffee, Carole."

Only One Item or Fewer.

'Knuth! How many times did I tell you not to play with the food??!!'

Manners And Customs Of Ye Englishe: A Pic-Nic

"Hmmm ... perhaps a pinot noir less spilly?"

'Before we begin, please turn off all cell phones.'

'Timmy, stop being naughty: Don't sit up straight!'

'He was hosting a business dinner for 300. Those were his last words.'

"That sister of yours sure has some nerve asking for those leftovers - we earned them."

"This is a little awkward, but you've been our guest for a while now, and we all have work in the morning..."

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"A gentleman would offer his seat."

'Don't get up!'

"Turn off cell phones violators will be over ruled."

'I don't do 'Goodbyes' ...'

'So are you the wise guy that thinks my food is not good enough to regurgitate and maul between your hands?'

'I need to take this call... please mumble to yourself.'

'I'm sorry, he likes to let off wind after dinner.'

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

'D'you have any salt?'

"I taught him to eat with a fork."