Neonatologist Pillows

"Might as well try and acclimate them when they're young."

"Is he proud of me?"

"Congratulations—It's a well dressed boy."

"Her first word was 'paparazzi'. "

"Is he talking yet? I was hoping he could help me with my new phone."

'I stay trim because of high metabolism. Theirs, not mine.'

Mum and baby both have pacifier.

Batman at the Maternity Ward

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'I've had some baby sized clubs made.'

'We had the baby's ultrasound photo made into wallpaper.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

Late night teddy reading

'Honey, where's my cell phone?'

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

Swinging on a star.

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"I'm starting him off with a little rope theory."

"They're so adorable at that age!"

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

Being and Nothingness Pop-Up! (book)

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

'He has your nose and my ears.'

"The doctor wanted me to let you know that everything is fine, but your c-section didn't go quite as planned. it was more like a 'K' section..."

A mother and baby elephant

Baby's first thought...Daddy's a moron.

The born comedian - 'I'm only two days old and already I'm using great one liners!'

Twenty-first century baby walker

"Just kick back and enjoy this. These are the nest years of our lives!"

"Same old same old. How about you?"

The No No No's

'No. no. When your wife asked you to change the baby, she meant the diaper.'