Navigating Relationship Drama Prints

No, it's not the beer talking. Beer actually makes a better impression than I do. ! !

"Evidence suggests she was working on the puzzle, got up to make tea, husband enters and puts last piece in..."

"Remember that time you tried to kill me?"

I really think I can handle this date on my own. Lemme ask you something. Would you trust me alone with a ybot 340? An Xbox 360? They changed the name? Okay. But you cannot hit on my date. I'm only here to help.

"I can't believe he brought her."

"The TV remote? So, I decide what we watch tonight?"

'Men order. . . women shop.'

"Hey. Whatever happened to our sexual relations? "

"My wife has always encouraged me... ...to quit this stupid dream and get a real job." ... "You have a wife?"

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

Awkward First Dates

'..and if you must yawn tonight keep your mouth shut.'

'We just don't talk anymore, Gerald!'

Monogamy

'The trouble with Nigel is that he's so changeable. One minute I love him and the next minute I loathe him.'

"Steak, Richard, is just grown up veal."

"I thought we agreed that the dining room was a buffer zone."

'Do you take this annoying woman to be your lawful wedded wife?'

"But honey. . . he's just not our kind!"

"Did you honestly expect our couples therapist to know when Jacoby Ellsbury will be off the disabled list?!"

“I don’t mind doing the dishes every night—it gives me time to deepen my resentment.”

'Tell me father, why do only 10% of women go to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be hell.'

"And do you, Courtney, take this man....Courtney!"

"The defense rests."

"Oh c'mon, Phil. Everyone knows we only stay together for the giant tortoise."

"Well, it's another brand-new day. What do you say to getting up and looking the damn thing straight in the eye?"

Sadie, the way you objectify football players is unconscionable. It's what? All you talk about are their muscles, square jaws, animal intensity. Ooh. What? I live it when you get all puffed up and macho and tough. And what biceps. Much better. Well played. Girl does what she's got to.

"Wait ... I always thought taking each other for granted was a good thing!"

"Are there any available upgrade options?"

"I never said I liked this show...I'm only enjoying it because you hate it."

'...if he only knew what I wrote about him on my blog.'

"Just say the word and I'll love you."

"I don't think this is the answer, Harold."

"I knew Mary would dump me when my fleece got a little gray."

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!