Music Competition Judge T-Shirts

"That was utterly forgettable... I'd rather listen to fingernails on a blackboard."

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

'Who says justice has to be the only thing on tap?'

"The guy who wrote 'The Frog Chorus' is sounding kinda croaky."

"New studies show that the so-called 'lucky man' made popular by the prog-rock band Emerson, Lake and Palmer was, in fact, just very well-connected."

"Of course I'm going to give him a tip - he should take lessons!"

"I'm astounded that your dog is channeling Eubie Blake! Has he never heard of Elton John?"

The Music Critic.

'Horace spends his spare time being a rock critic.'

Piers Morgan.

A singer being criticised

"Coming up... more of the same mindless pop songs with repetitive lyrics and nauseating melodies!"

Mega-Corp Pictures. This film will tell a story about Frederick the Great censuring one of his favorite musicians. "The Empire Strikes Bach"!

'I hate these purists who play Bach without any pedal'

"The judges aren't too impressed!"

"Brothers, what we do in life echoes in eternity, if only through the lyrics of a Coldplay song!"

"What do you mean, who are my influences?"

Snake Eats the Snake Charmer.

'He's judging our reserve pinot noir - five years to produce it, five seconds in his mouth.'

The battle of the pianos.

"Nice, but not Pavarotti''

"I don't do spells. I'm a wizard at deciphering rap lyrics."

Simon Cowell

"'50 Shades of Grey?' - Oh you mean the 'Guide to Modern Music...'"

Smashed harp...

Annual Lump Festival Competition:'I don't know if I can give an award, they're all so fantastic..'

'Like the judges, he's turned his chair around to concentrate on the singing.'

'Sorry, I already have a Dancer.'

"It's witless, repetitive, and irritating. It's great!"

Young Simon Cowell

How's My Jiving?

The critic as band leader

the world's first music critic...