Modern Suburbanite T-Shirts

'Harold arrives home from work early now. He solved all his commuting and exercise problems at once.'

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

"Let's save a few so we can continue to piss off the neighbors for the next few weeks."

"Bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark bark" "Fwd: fwd: fwd: bark bark bark bark"

'Humans are so considerate: They put perches like these for us on every one of their houses...'

"Entering Minivan Territory: Healthy Snacks Strictly Enforced

"Nice family you’ve got there. Too bad if anything were to happen to them."

"Honey, why don’t you tell Tony and Karen about your microdosing-healing-group thingy or whatever the heck it is?"

Beware of the Lawn

"I'm looking for something that says country-but-only-an-hour-and-a-half-drive-from-the-city."

Madison Avenue and Maple Street

Tortured Plank

"Honestly, all three of them were mistakes."

Skimming out star reflections

'Fred's opinion of crab grass is if you can't beat it, join it.'

"If you want to buy this, I'm afraid I'm going to need to see some justification."

"Dad's home."

"Not only is the grass greener, but check out that Mercedes!"

Autumn Leaves

'Hey, buddy, this is a cattle subdivision.'

'The previous owner broke his leash ...I mean, lease.'

"I'm a Big Apple kinda guy, stuck in the Garden State."

Moving Van.

"I negotiated. He's going to let us suffocate in our own ennui!"

"Honey, you’ve got to see this one she just left on the neighbor’s lawn—it’s perfect, like showroom condition." "Dan loved his dog."

"So we figured why explore Mars when, closer to home, there's still so much we don't know about the Petersens."

"We're looking for a traditional suburban neighborhood with all the urban amenities."

'Don't give me that! I know for a fact, he was in my flowerbeds!!'

Intentional Community vs. Community of Sheer Happenstance

'I don't care if the pot roast was a little dry, you had no business condemning poor Gloria to hell!'

Suburban blues legends

Man clears up wrapping paper with a leaf blower.

"When do your in-laws leave?"

"I'm going green, too. I'm finally going to mow the lawn."

Poker Moms