Modern Dating Skeptic Prints

I'm not one of those guys who types in your number on his Smart phone and then deletes it. I'm old-school. I write it down on a piece of paper and then throw it away.

Life is for the birds.

"O.K. I'm just feeding in your personal details for a suitable match..."

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"I thought he was into fitness, but his 'fitness tracker' turned out to be a flea and tick collar."

'I fu*@!Ng hate you!!!'

When did this date go down the toilet? I assumed when you went to the men's room that you dropped it there.

"To be honest, I'm a little surprised the dating service matched us up."

'I don't think Charlie will ever get used to these auto-mobiles.'

"Bill and I hate the same books."

Cupid gives up trying to get cell phone-using couple together.

'Your credit card or mine?'

"You weren't playing hard to get! You were scared of commitment!"

"Sorry I'm late... I was getting our date approved by my lawyer."

"Did you notice the smirk on his face when he said 'enjoy'?"

'I'm afraid we don't have any gentlemen on hand right now -- how about a good old boy?'

'No, I don't remember asking you to move in with me. Not only that, I don't remember who you are!'

"It's another letter from Mr. Wentworth. He writes, 'You up?' and then there are some pictures of a smiley face and an eggplant."

Carol sensed some negative vibes from her date when he pulled out a laptop and began perusing other women's profiles.

"I've lost touch with my roots, so I'm flying to Omaha but I'll be back Monday."

Looking For Love In All The Wrong Places.

'I'd invite you in, but I've given up jackasses for Lent.'

'I hate singles bars. It's like window shopping...you know, looking at fancy clothes on a bunch of dummies.'

"We need to text about our relationship."

"This one's different, mummy, he wants me for my brain."

What's the best way to avoid getting stuck in a serious relationship? Little buddy … Aren't you putting the cart before the horse? You haven't even had a date in … what it it, two years? … Which means I'm due for an extra-clingy relationship any day now. Well ... I suppose that is in keeping with Randy's postulate #498 ... The cling-i-tude of a relationship is directly proportional to the amount of time it takes to get into it. Is there any formula for avoiding that? Maybe if I carry the one?

"I hate these dating sites. What ever happened to meeting a guy on a shrub, laying a couple hundred eggs, and then biting off his had while he's watching sports center.'

'Do you mind if I call my parole officer?'

'Myself, I'm not a morning person, so I'm definitely not interested in one of those up-at-the-crack-of-dawn types, you know what I mean?'

"I like you, but only in a Facebook thumbs up kind of way."

If you meet someone online who says he's a 22 year old software millionaire who looks like Harry Styles he's really unemployed, 45 and lives with his mother!

'Nice guys finish last - is that your philosophy of life or sex?'

Just because you'll never have a boyfriend doesn't mean you get to bring everyone else down. Who cares about dating? Brnng. I'll get it. It's your prince. Hi? It's, um, Amy? Is, um, Teddy, like, there? Sure. I'll give you to him!

"It was love at first sight. She married him without even googling him!"

"Oh, great... they say they all have headaches."