Mocha Maniac Pillows

"I'm fine. It's coffee."

"You sure you guys don't spike the coffee?"

'My feet are killing me.'

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

E-vac-u-ate! E-vac-u-ate! . . . I've just farted. . ."

'I love the mountains and all, but I simply can't do this....I'm just too chicken.'

Mountain Climber With Pillow Padding.

100k Desert Crawl

'Geez, I hate these fun runs!'

'We're almost 1/8th of the way there.'

Oblivious at 20,000 Feet

"Don't be an idiot, Larry."

"The majestic way they climb higher and higher until they seem to kiss the sky reminds me of the huge pile of work I have waiting for me when I get back."

"Hang on - I'm not as young as I used to be. . .!"

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

Sermon on the Grounds...

Living with a cataholic.

'Todd don't be such a clown...'

Runner's High, Runner's Low

Primate Speech Institute. He's learned to talk, but all he'll talk about is the price of bananas.

Angels crying because they lost first place to a big butch man

Love Hurts

'I'll wait for Harold one more year. He hasn't crossed the finish line yet from the 1932 Olympic's marathon.'

Butterfly Sales

A tessellation of running figures.

'Are these mushrooms edible?'

"Rum and coke...why, what do you drink on a fun run?"

"Well, buddy....a lot of people are missing that. Just look at the social media comments."

Is your monster coming to the party, Doctor Frankenstein? I don't know. Part of him wants to and part of him doesn't.

The Fun Run.

Gym. At some point you're going to have to raise the bar.

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

"How are my animal mascot teams doing?"

Lox Ness Monster

'I know it looks big, but it'll shrink when I wash it.'