Mix-it-up Reader Gifts

'I agree, 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is a boring title for a book about home decorating, but I'm getting some great ideas for the bedroom!'

Audio Books

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"Sorry, that's not my table."

'Fyodor Dostoevsky sends weeks describing Alexy Karamazov's quest for a white whale, and then discards the entire chapter."

"I know. But I think I can change him."

'Eh...our costume party was last Saturday!'

'The police is looking for a teenager who reads books... I bet they'll never solve this case!'

What passes today for 'nose in a book'.

'I suppose you're going to tell me I need new contact lenses.'

'Cause of death is still unknown. We hope to learn more once he's dead'

'When I said we should read together I meant separate books.'

"We no longer shelve gay fiction separately. It's been assimilated."

'Continue to support sex education in the schools if you want to, but Billy just told me that he resulted when your sperm met my omelet.'

'Why am I here, nurse? I just wanted a replacement for my organ.'

Thriller of the Week

Harp Book

"Have you got the abridged version?"

The Joy of Pecks

"No, this is not 'returns,' and that's not a receipt … it's a birth certificate!"

'I didn't know you could read upside down, Cyril?!'

"Please forgive me, I seem to have misplaced my spectacles. Will the happy couple please step forward?"

' 'Fairy Tales' by Hans Multifaith Andersen.'

"Do you call this a party! I've been to livelier funerals!"

Jack the Tripper

'Did your husband have any enemies?'

"Down!"

Stop Your Sobbing

'So, the paper's a little messed-up after I've been reading it ... big deal!'

'You're right. It does look infected. But I'm just the janitor.'

'He's not having an affair Ma'am: He goes out at night mainly to chase cars and eat from garbage bins...'

Whoops! I've brought the wrong husband home from the shops.

"Hand me a number eight iron."

Tender is the Night of the Iguana