Midnight Mass Goer Pillows

Wife leaving note 'midnight mass' on husbands distended stomache as she leaves house.

'Please tell me you're baby sitting?'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

Priest

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Verger Works

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

Baptism Then and Now

"Amen. Please help me up."

CCTV in church.

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."