Microphone Avoiders Prints

Welcome Sufferers of Stage Fright

"You couldn't just stop and ask directions, could you?"

People who work-from-home, annual get together.

Nervous at a party.

"Just this once, can we not talk about news or politics or money or family or relationships or children or friends or sex or religion or sports or culture or real estate or the past or the future?"

'I'm fist-bumping all of my patients now, because it spreads fewer germs than a handshake.'

"My neighborhood is getting too noisy. Traffic, screaming kids, barking dogs … I'm used to living in quiet desperation."

'What part of school don't you understand?', 'The part between the bells ringing.'

'You can't avoid death...You can't avoid taxes...and you can't avoid having your name on computerized mailing lists.'

'Look, I just expect more from a muse.'

"Back to face-to-face working, lad? I think not! Be off home with you!"

'Why can't you do that while I'm on the golf course?'

'Been coming here for years and never bumped into anyone who knows me . . . weird!'

'You're just going to feel a little pinch, then a horrific burning pain, your eyes will roll back into your head, you will drool uncontrollably...'

How to Tell when You're Asking for Directions from a NASCAR Fan: 'Make a left, then hang a left, take another left followed by a left...'

It's new from British Telecom, a telephone ignoring machine.

"It's just if the TV isn't on I never know where to look."

"Must...not gaze into...his eye! For I may...never break free!"

How to tell that it's Howie Mandel's dog you're dealing with.

"It says it's sick and tired of telling me to update my software and if I don't do it right now it's going to explode."

"You just watch him Ethel. He'll sit there and say nothing, just to annoy me."

'We saw a mouse!'

"This is where I go to get away from reality TV."

Ring. If that me calling, I'm obviously not here.

Instead of pretending we're not home, couldn't we just not do video chats?

"Oh, no! People are coming to sit near us! Put up the banner!"

Stuck in the Conversation Pit of Hell.

Please stop trying to engage me in conversation, Lars. Can't you tell when a wolverine is engrossed in a book? Sure, that's easy. They move their snouts when they read.

Right now, he's in his man cave.'

'You just had to throw the manual out didn't you? Big man can figure everything out for himself...'

Men shaking hands without touching

Ant banging on his roof with a broom up to football players stomping around above him

Liberation. You've removed your hypochondria mask. Is flu season over? Possibly for good. There's new research that shows that the warming of the globe is inhospitable to those @#$% flu bugs. The viruses thrive on cold weather. That might be why fly and head colds have been relatively mild. It's just wonderful. Of course, I still won't be shaking hands, or hugging, which are disgusting habits. And we'll all die when the planet overheats because we have no ozone. Are you sure you @#$ whining isn'

"...And as for your terrible elevator music...."

Damsel with Ear-Plugs