Metallic Humor Enjoyer Pillows

"Braces? I'm just not comfortable with all that metal in my mouth."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Trappist Monk Discord

'Oh, no - I have to read each tentacle - that'll be extra, of course.'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

'What does it say, Dad?'

"The next song was sixties anthem for the youth subculture of revolution, anarchy and anti-establishment...and can now be heard in elevators worldwide."

HELLth Food Sprouts

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

Clone Factory

"Oh, just the usual here, occupying Wall Street."

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

"Inactivists"

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

Trump Tariffs

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

"It's not so much a minivan as it is a hearse for our youth."

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

"Do you have any books on releasing the tiger within?"

This is what Fred gets for wishing for more hair.

Prescription Drugs '96.

"It's time we did something about the new Healthy Menu option."

"It's ironic. It looks like you're here because you're such a bad cartoonist."

"Facebook VP — you'll be in Circle No. 4."

'Oh my God!! The economy's in ruins! There's no money!'