Menu Skeptic Pillows

"I don't see anything on the menu. Can I just order in from somewhere else?"

"This joint has lousy online reviews, what would you recommend I order?"

"Is the MSG local?"

Party time.

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'Men order. . . women shop.'

'We don't know which gate flight 311 to Denver is boarding. These are the menus.'

'How is the water prepared?'

"The secret of my success is combining eggs, meat and bread in enough ways to make an eight page breakfast menu."

"Tell me what you think of the menu. I wrote it."

"Please don't kill me."

I read an article about the health benefits of dark chocolate so I make sure all the donuts I eat are covered with dark chocolate.

'Well, if you're going to order 'left wings' and I'm going to order 'right,' maybe we should just order burgers instead.'

"What do you have that won't kill me?"

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

'As far as we know, no one who has eaten our genetically-modified food has turned into a creature or anything.'

"Sure, ha ha, it’s all ‘free-range’ beef."

"I'm a strict vegan with dietary limitations due to specific food allergies. What should I get?" "A taxi."

"It's natural, vegan organic, no additives, preservatives or cooking."

"Our menu never claims that our meat is barbecued. It just says that it's covered in barbecue sauce."

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'Tonight's menu is bound in Moroccan leather, with a touch of Flemish calligraphy on hand made paper.'

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

'Gluten-free manna will come in the second salvo.'

"Do you have something for somebody with no palette, no taste and no money?"

Armstrong, an unmarked truck just delivered a pallet of mystery meat. Turkey. It doesn't look like turkey. It looks more like some sort of dehydrated pigeon. What's it matter? If we slap it in a sandwich, smother it in "gravy," and label it "turkey," customers won't know the difference. Wait, did you just think quotes around the word gravy? "no."

"The chef recommends the most expensive dish on the menu."

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Which are the most popular and least popular items, and which have been on the menu the longest and shortest times?'

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

Error in low-fat pizza design.

'I'd like to be fed intravenously. I've heard about your hospital food!'

'Carb or non-carb section?'