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Premeditation Murder

'Don't just sit there thinking. Meditate.'

'A sitcom has to be quirky or formulaic. There is no middle way.'

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

'I have multiple personalities and they are all following me on Twitter.'

"Trust me. This is going to make it easier to discuss your childhood."

DIY marriage counseling.

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

"You've got to learn to love yourself. Start by 'Friending' yourself on Facebook."

"Remember, you can do ANYTHING...but for only 80 cents to every dollar earned by a man."

"Now, let’s talk about your attachment issues."

Relationship Rating: His and Hers

'Have you been working out?'

"Use your head, follow your heart and go with your gut."

"This week we're going to try some regression therapy."

"Krazy straw"

'This wasn't quite what I had in mind when you suggested 'alternative medicine''

"You dumb clod! Do you realize you're almost two minutes late?"

Turkey survivability - 'It's all in being able to put the old fork down and say no.'

"How am I supposed to trust my gut when it can't even handle a little dairy?"

'I keep thinking I'm being watched...'

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

'We need to try to regress you beyond the last seven seconds...'

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're not MAGICIANS!"

"How do you feel about turning over?"

'The therapy did help your husband find his inner child, unfortunately his inner child is called Dwayne.'

"I worry that some people find me boring"

'Extreme acupuncture.'

'I have an expense account, but it's a joke.'

Therapy for the cow dependent

"With the redundancy and the divorce I'm struggling to remain Mr. Happy."

'Dr Freud, this isn't comfortable. Why don't you sit on that chair?' 'That's not a bad idea.'

'The part I like best about sex is when I light a cigarette and say next.'

'I keep having these flashbacks.'