Medical Technology Buff Prints

Dr. Jarvik, and his lesser known invention, the artificial soul.

"There's your son's heartbeat, and over here is the app he's developing."

"I'm afraid your Apple goggles aren't compatible with your X brain implant."

'We don't have a cure for your ailment but there is an appropriate app available.'

"...we have a heart-lung-kidney-liver-spleen machine."

"We think we got some good CT scans, but unfortunately they're encrypted and our I.T. guy is on vacation this week."

'Still no improvement? Nurse, attach more gizmos.'

'Brain surgery? I have an app for that!'

'Having all this information on my patient's diagnostics is great, but I think I need a degree in data analytics to sort it all out...'

"Just think of this prescription as an app for your body...with side effects."

'Talk about high-tech! You'll be getting a pacemaker ipod combo.'

Medical Bling: "Help!" on a rope, Important info, O2 4U, Snazzy 3-prong

"The patient handed me this 'wearable technology' and said 'all the answers are on there'."

The discovery of the $2,000 Aspirin

'This new diet drug comes as a pill, patch, or as a phone app with Siri saying, don't eat so much.'

"Nurse, could you please click Ok?"

We'd like to run a few tests to see how this thing works.

Vending machines. Junk food. Robotic surgery.

"The machine's done something really weird to Mr. Hendrickson."

"I'm getting the hang of the patient portal. It reminded me to refill my beta blocker, but I keep getting ads. Can you prescribe a good pop-up blocker too?"

'Don't worry about the workload. The boss upgraded the computer.'

Although Frank gets away with overusing that phrase on his diagnostic reports at work, it doesn't work out so well at home.

Health Care Parade

'The diagnostic computer keeps getting error messages.'

"The good news is your virus is gone. The bad news is it infected your electronic health records."

"If your bill isn't paid in 30 days, you'll be hearing from the organ collection repro man!"

'Oops! Turn down the power on this lazer thing, will you.'

"Don't worry, Mr. Jones. The fact that doctors still use pagers doesn't mean the hospital has outdated equipment!"

"Your electronic medical records were accidentally deleted. You'll have to start over again with acne."

"He won the Nobel prize for science. He invented the vibrating tampon."

'Some people find the MRI chamber claustrophobic.' - 'Oh.' - 'I call those people 'the lucky few'.' - 'Ah.' - 'Whatever you do don't think about being buried alive.' - 'Gah.' -