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"Are you sure you're the Locum Lobotomy specialist?" snorted the Anaesthetist

Heart surgeon tastooing patients heart with "Love".

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

Lactose Intolerant

"I'm afraid you could go at any time."

'Well, what do I have?...Within reason, of course.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

'He's got abdominal pain, dizziness and soreness in his extremities. I'll know more when I see X-rays...'

'Hello, I'm Dr. Frank Stein and this is my anaesthetist, Dr. Ivan Gore. We'll be doing your hernia operation tomorrow.'

"L.L. Bean slippers... $25.00 Ambulance ride to hospital... $500.00 X-rays of spine... $350.00 Three refills of hydrocodone... priceless!"

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Let me get this straight- you went to a GUY-ne-cologist, to discuss MEN-o-pause?'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

"Please, doc, pull the plug. Not on me...on the TV!"

'Oh, well... Accidents will happen.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

"I feel your pain level."

'I'm afraid it's bad news Mr.Hooper, I've just got the report on your finances.'

Heimlich maneuver, Gastric bypass surgery, Liver transplant.

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"Assisting me with this delicate procedure is Dr. Warren. He's one of the top specialists in avoiding malpractice suits."

"Great news, Mr. Corrigan. That large, life-threatening lump we removed from your back turned out to be your lawyer."

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

"The colonoscopy isn't your eternal punishment...the prep is."

Dr. Flagg's Worst Nightmare

"Does it hurt when my attorney does this?"

"My blood type...it's the type that doesn't like to exercise."

'Don't worry. We still have a few more treatment options available.'

"Your test results are back. We're going to have to remove your appendix and your wallet."

"Your veins are too narrow. Let me get our in-house specialist to help."

'Pardon me, Doctor; but exactly where did you study anaesthesiology?'

'I can't make you younger...odometer tampering is against the law.'

'You've got dry scalp.'

"I think you're suffering from nostalgia, Mr. Prentice."

"Your test results are perfect and there is nothing wrong with you. We will operate on you for it tomorrow."