Medical Joke Collector Prints

"Your heart is OK, but after all the tests we ran, your bank may need a transplant."

"You have a heart murmur and I'm starting to hear your liver and kidneys complain."

"It's a straightforward operation, but there can be complications such as; growing wings and wearing a halo."

Fracture Clinic

"Oh, those aren't my diplomas – they're my medical malpractice attorney's."

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

Hospital. Does your foot fall asleep in that position? On the contrary, it was up all night.

I'm going to need you to provide me with a stool sample, Mr. Fusco. You're in luck, doc. I already left one in your waiting room.

'Have you tried suffering in silence?'

'Hey, this guy's been operated on before!'

'What you have expensive to treat but unfortunately isn't catching.'

"It's probably nothing..."

'I'm going to exaggerate the seriousness of your illness...It'll make you feel better.'

'I hope your case is not too complex. I'm only an honorary doctor.'

"... Well, I don't know what's wrong with you. We'll just have to wait and see what the coroner says."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

Lactose Intolerant

Virtual Doctor

Dog forced to return bone

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

"You need the toilet. . . hang on I think I've got an app for that."

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

"It will be okay to hop when you go home but don't try to run."

Cardiologist Henry Weil like to add some levity before surgery by hiding a whoopee cushion on the operating table.

Hypochondria Hospital

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

"Would you like to see today's liquidized menu?"

"There were some squiggly bits left over after the operation, so we gave you a doggie bag."

'Where does it hurt?'

'We can't afford advertising like this! That's one page for the drug and two just for the side effects!'

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"Yes, I have seen people in worse health than you. But, they were all dead."

Maintenance & Repairs. No wonder health care is so expensive, they told me to take to tablets every four hours.

"Pay attention, 'switch it off switch it on again' does not apply to the life support machines."