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Dermatologist: Rash decisions made here.

Podiatrist

'Does a paper cut from a Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue count as a sports related injury?'

"You may believe you've been overcharged, but, remember, you're overmedicated."

"It's probably a fracture - we'll do some imaging on it just to be sure."

"Well, yes, it's a routine procedure - if you routinely have someone slice open your body with sharp instruments and then fiddle with your insides."

"Some guys from the state board of medicine are here to see you."

'Human clinical trials start in six months. Sooner if we run out of mice.'

'Your weight problem is partly genetic and partly Boston Cream pie.'

Mosquito feeding from a blood transfusion bag.

"We found this in your brain."

"Just look for something in my price-range."

'First, let me give you something for the pain.'

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

I'm going to switch you to a new medication that does more advertising.

"By the time we got him in here, he had already lost an awful lot of liquidity."

'My boyfriend's a Cardiologist.'

'The operation was a success, but your colon is now a semi-colon.'

"You need to include more calcium in your diet."

'You have the body of a 22 year old man, providing your birthday is February 29th.'

I feel absolutely fine doc, but a friend of my Mum's hairdresser said that might be a symptom."

'Well, you see, I went to one of those progressive medical schools with no formal classes or credits and students plan their own course of study so I never learned anything about the lungs,breathing and all that.'

'This one's a lawyer...no need to sterilize anything.'

An extremely general practitioner

"Well, your STD panel came back... turns out what happens in Vegas doesn't stay in Vegas."

'I believe one of the doctors here practices alternative medicine.'

'I'm sorry, Leonard, I can't prescribe marijuana for you. Boredom is not a medical problem.'

'It's a sprained ankle again. Why are you always slipping on banana peels?'

"The surgery went well, we were able to save the foot after all"

'Any family history of cancer, heart disease, diabetes, extinction...'

'You created a new skin disease from scratch.'

'They got him here just in time, thanks to the air ambulance.'

"Have you experienced hearing and vision loss or difficulty speaking?"

"Iron deficiency, I bet that's why all my clothes are wrinkled."

"I don't know what this medication does...but the commercials for it are really cool!"