Media Producer Prints

"And in what could be the biggest development for Hispanics in the history of the United States...hold it...I've just been told Hispanic Heritage Month is officially over. When we come back...hidden cameras in bathrooms! Only on the news at 5!"

'Beware of dog' (with TV camera).

'I love this street...it's so real man...'

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

Trial by Media

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

Department of Theatre, Film and Television: Lights...Camera...Unemployment!

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

Herman Mankiewicz

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

Royal Mail boss to become ITV boss.

"Well, how do things look from where you sit?"

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"And now here's Cathie with the hypothetical portion of the news."

'If only every year was an election year.'

"It was years ago, for a nature documentary, and they said it was going to be very artistic."

If nobody had invented graphics

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

"The following program was made possible by fluctuations in the random chaos of the Universe...."

Gay Times...

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

'We interrupt this programme for a sex flash.'