Mattress Stasher Pillows

'With these crazy markets, you have to diversify to protect your money. Put some under your mattress, some in your sock drawer, maybe some in a hole in the yard...'

"Your portfolio is too conservative."

I don't trust banks. I keep some of my money right here. It's prudent to have a financial cushion.

"We can't agree on a size."

The Mattress Savings Bank

'My husband, Bill, works at the airport - I still haven't opened my birthday presents from three years ago.'

'Today a ray of hope . . .'

"I think I need a professional money manager. I invest sixty five percent of my money gambling in casinos and thirty five percent I keep under the mattress."

Jobs for graduates

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

"I was a mattress tester, but was fired for oversleeping and being late for work."

"Counting sheep is the quickest way to fall asleep...and with this sheep number mattress, you can say 'BAA-BAA' to sheepless nights forever."

"Fascinating. He ran on it the first few days, but now he's just using it to hang his clothes."

'It's come to my attention that you haven't been sleeping on the job.'

Giant Sale: 'I said it was simply a misunderstanding.'

"Workboy"

"Poor chap has just discovered his daughter has got in to medical school!"

'Frank! Cut that out and get back to work!'

Hoodie, Pantsie, Shoesies.

Sale.

"I take it you've never had a bank account before?"

"It's more than just a mattress. It's a great place to rest your weary assets."

Mel wakes up on the wrong side of the bed.

"Someday, Son, this unnecessary and outdated stuff will all be yours."

Jobs-a-plenty (grocery store sacker/shelf stacker).

'Of course there's a solution - buy a three seater settee.'

'Sorry, I'm late. I overslept.'

"How many out of ten? Hello."

"I say, if you're wearing yoga pants, it counts as a yoga pose.

'Frankly I'm disappointed in your commitment to late night shelf stacking.'

"Keeping all your money in a cigar box is not wise. You should keep it in a coffee can hidden behind the TV, like me!"

"I'm afraid George won't be in today. He's about to get a repetitive strain injury."

At Times the Term "Joystick" Was a Misnomer.

Talking Copier: 'You pushed the wrong button muttonhead.'

My brother likes computer games very much.