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Wife, three kids and Sheffield Wednesday to Support.

'I don't mind you watching 'Match of the Day' but...'

"Don't worry, Ref, just shock, it's his first save all season."

'Not much gets past our new goalie!'

The commentators want to run the officials...

'You can't beat the excitement of a new county season.'

'If you're proposing, Nigel, get it done before full time!'

"Depressed, anxious, worried about the future we've had a great deal of this recently...I'd suggest you avoid watching England for a while."

'We're in a hurry.'

'If it's a game of two halves, how come you're on your third pint?'

'Going 'cold turkey' might be dangerous...I'd wean him off by letting him watch world cup re-runs....'

'The Cup Final's just starting-think I should wake him?'

'The centre-forward wins a foul!'

"So, after five glorious weeks, football is coming home!"

Ref shows footballer green card.

'Let's buy the one that has the game on it.'

'I wonder who they'll bring on as manager for the second half.'

"Damn! Trust me to get a seat behind the umpire!"

'Structural strength test? Next door!'

"Why do footballers never shake a fist when they miss?"

Footballer.

"Buona Sera, Mrs. Johnson! You ordered two pizzas. That's £18!"

'I don't think you are going to see the end of this match with that 4-4-2 formation.'

'I know it's an early kick off but this is ridiculous!'

"I promised I'd bring him - he could never afford to come when he was alive."

A typical Newcastle fan.

Football players walk onto the pitch holding childrens' hands, who are holding rag dolls.

'There it goes, there it goes, there it goes...'

'Yes, he was there his afternoon - that's his balloon floating in the penalty area.'

'These oxygen tanks go with your tickets. Where you're sitting, you'll need them.'