Master Of Ceremonies Pillows

"The room is going to love you. Just be funny, serious, modest and cocky."

'Nice to meet you... And I don't use that phrase lightly.'

Thanksgiving.

"In recognition of Jim's achievements during his long career with the company, we've put together this hilarious twenty minute gag reel..."

'Mr. Dentler is the man behind the man behind the man.'

There's no such thing as a triple carburetor bypass!

'To make sure I get noticed I always talk in a big bold typeface.'

'They call it the people dance.'

'Summer's over and it's time to fall in!'

The Aisle

"Namaste."

Cat Olympics

'Stop gritting your teeth!'

"Is this speech pie-in-the-sky nonsense or aspirational?"

'AAAAGH! Oh, KNEEL! I thought you said my name - Neil!'

Recorded mating call

"The secret to his success? He's diversified."

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I'll take questions that fit my prepared answers.'

"I couldn't find the giant scissors."

Before graduating, students at Flegburn High were required to read their diplomas out loud.

Hey, curing is an art, man! And as an artist I may sign my work, right?!

Wedding Invites

"Well, I've noticed someone always finds time for the 'odd jobs' around here he wants to do!"

"The bride was radiant, the groom was radiant. I was radiant!"

Allegro

'I pronounce you wife and husband.'

"I now mispronounce you, Mon and wafe"

"They told me you'd fix me."

Ministry 101: Never perform a baptism in a river with a strong current.

"I know we have some invisible ink somewhere but we can never find it..."

'Is it too early to start driving you out of your mind?'

"Since I deeply value recognition, I'm honored to present this 'Outstanding Effort' award to what's-his-name here."

"No, I'm not really that busy with anything important."

'Silly me, I brought the wrong book -- You two just swore an oath of celibacy.'

"It's not what it looks like" - What the illusionist said when his wife walked in.