Marriage Humor Seeker Prints

Man to woman watching American football on tv: 'He's the 'reciever', not the 'receptionist'.'

'The iceman cometh too soon!'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

'Well, he actually behaved pretty well for the first few minutes of the wedding ceremony....'

Try Mediation

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What's so wrong with always living in the present?"

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

'Butch, did you shoot my liberty valance?'

His and Hers Wedding

"What do you mean, there's no room for my stuff?"

"I'm sorry, Arthur. I've decided to secede from our marriage."

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

"Let's take in a trial."

'My wife says not to worry. She's convinced she can get me out of here with coupons.'

"My husband is missing. I haven't seen him since he started wearing camouflage clothes."

'I told you he had a temper.'

"Son, the key to a happy marriage is listening, or at least purr and pretend you are."

"At least you don't have a needy husband and an angry dog."

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"Happy anniversary, dear. How about a second honeymoon?" "Sure. Who with?"

"You call that worrying?"

"I decided to spend the money and have my legs waxed."