Management Satire Aficionado Pillows

'I'm sorry, but I need to replace you with someone who cannot do your job.'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"They decided giving out pink slips was too impersonal. So now they're blue."

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"Leadership is all about knowing who to delegate responsibility for all your mistakes."

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"We have an acronym!"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"This resumé has the kind of sizzle we're looking for."

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

"After an extensive analysis of your company's strengths and weaknesses our recommendation is to give us more money."

Now that I finally have an expense account, there's no time to eat.

It come's to my attention that you have been doing the work of two men.

"I haven't the slightest idea who he is. He came bundled with the software."

'We use a modified 'carrot and stick' approach here - We've done away with the carrot.'

'Thanks to our exensive cost-cutting efforts, we managed to turn a profit.'

'I have serious doubts about the efficiency of that new 'apples and bucket' hiring test.'

"Unlike other companies, we are going to take the high road through this rough time, even if, at some point, we're obliged to raid the employee pension fund! Is everybody clear on that?"

"And then, like an idiot, I turned to the boss and said 'Maybe the stock market isn't the only thing that's been overvalued!'"

"Never mind devices - we need to establish a 'bring your own funding' policy."