Male Ego Ponderer Pillows

"Some men are like icebergs....75 percent of the volume is hidden under the water!"

"Needs to get a life"

"Nice haircut."

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

'I've got a question. If your answer is 'Yes', I'll hate you. If your answer is 'No', I'll hate you, too. The question is, do you think I need a new dress because I'm looking fat in this one?'

As Lucanus, a giant bug, awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into Franz Kafka.

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

Well at least we can handle these rocks.

'You will eventually discover that all women are the same. The only difference is how deep you have to go before you see the pixels.'

'You can't join the Federal Witness Protection program just to keep your friends from seeing your bald spot.'

Philosophy Department - Are You Really Here?

'You're right, Mr, Haskins, those were extremely 'normal' word associations. Now let's try it without the thesaurus.'

"You're really serious about that diet!"

Mountains and Molehills

'I'm just sayin', with this cute little face and my big fluffy tail, I never really thought of myself as vermin!'

'It's the end, McEvoy - no tank can take on a German Vagina Dentata!'

"Have you ever noticed that all our teachers fit the FBI's terrorist profile?"

"It's a memoir about multiple personality disorder, so it was written in first, second and third person narrative."

'I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid!'

"I liked the scale better before we leveled the floor. It read ten pounds lighter on a slant."

Personality Test - No Result

Do you have a problem?. . . Continue on as usual.

'Your mirror's cracked.' - 'No, that's your head.'

My routine.

"I contain multitudes, but usually the reasonable lady shows up, the fun one drinks too much, and the angry one takes the train home."

"The only thing I've learned from my mistakes is that apparently I'll keep making them."