Male Ego Ponderer Pillows

"Some men are like icebergs....75 percent of the volume is hidden under the water!"

"Needs to get a life"

"Nice haircut."

'I've used up all my eligibilities'

'What do lawyers really want, Mr. Montague?'

'Bad news! More people are switching from red meat to fish!'

Psychiatry ward with 'Inhibited' and 'Outgoing' trays.

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

Tonight's Debate. Nature versus Nurture. You believe in heredity over environment? Yep --- I was just born that way.

"The best advice I can give you is: 'Be Yourself.'"

'You will eventually discover that all women are the same. The only difference is how deep you have to go before you see the pixels.'

Well at least we can handle these rocks.

Philosophy Department - Are You Really Here?

'I've got a question. If your answer is 'Yes', I'll hate you. If your answer is 'No', I'll hate you, too. The question is, do you think I need a new dress because I'm looking fat in this one?'

Psychiatry. Whenever I go on an ego trip, my superego won't let me have any fun.

A tree falls in a forest and no one is there to hear it.

'You can't join the Federal Witness Protection program just to keep your friends from seeing your bald spot.'

'You're right, Mr, Haskins, those were extremely 'normal' word associations. Now let's try it without the thesaurus.'

As Lucanus, a giant bug, awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself transformed into Franz Kafka.

"You're really serious about that diet!"

Mountains and Molehills

'He's going through a phase of wanting to be a grape again.'

"Have you ever noticed that all our teachers fit the FBI's terrorist profile?"

'I'm just sayin', with this cute little face and my big fluffy tail, I never really thought of myself as vermin!'

'I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid!'

"I liked the scale better before we leveled the floor. It read ten pounds lighter on a slant."

'It's the end, McEvoy - no tank can take on a German Vagina Dentata!'

"It's a memoir about multiple personality disorder, so it was written in first, second and third person narrative."

Nice toupee, Dr. Kapuchnik. But … is it honest? At least a toupee is honest about its dishonesty, Al. Compared to what? A beret.

Personality Test - No Result

Do you have a problem?. . . Continue on as usual.

'Your mirror's cracked.' - 'No, that's your head.'

My routine.

"I contain multitudes, but usually the reasonable lady shows up, the fun one drinks too much, and the angry one takes the train home."

Psychiatric Clinic. It's a very strange case of multiple personalities. He keeps trying to photobomb his own selfies.