Live Music Lamenter Pillows

Sir Paul McCartney warns UK Culture Secretary of live music s bleak future

Glastonbury. After.

"M'lady, we’ve reached peak Brooklyn."

Zombie standup

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

At the rock concert...

Famous Jewish Blues Singer Series.

Theatre Crowd

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."

What do MD and PHD mean? It means the doctor owes a lot of money in student loans.

"We have a song, but neither of us can remember it."

"Free Bird!"

Plum jam...

"It's really important to me, as an artist, to make you feel like drinking more than usual so I get hired back."

Occupational Hazards.

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Your drug test came back positive. Welcome aboard.'

'Theaters from Hell' 'We have no sound engineers, so no there's not a good seat in the house.'

"Iggy Pop? More like Iggy Grandpop."

"Ah yes, I know this bit...it's from the advert!"

"This next song I wrote I won't sing due to political correctness."