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"My handicap is the water, trees, windows, the highway..."

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

Snowprov

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Clown's Comedy Fart.

POP goes the weasel, Collin, not ka-boom splat.

"I don't know whether to be mad that you had water this whole time or impressed with your commitment to the joke."

Acme-5000 Lie Detector

'A man has to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink!'

King and Jester

'Your Chef's Surprise, sir -- a sauteed whoopee cushion.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

'She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me...'

Hypnotoon

"I had a consultation with a plastic surgeon. Now I have to decide whether I want to look old or look weird."

'Is there any chance I could do the five years vicariously?'

"As it happens, we don't produce any beer flavored wine."

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

"Well, I deal with death and carrion every day: Laughing is a therapeutic way of avoiding depression..."

'What shall we watch - best security videos of 2013 or operating room bloopers, blunders and bleeps?'

"Ok, ok, how's everyone feeling tonight besides a thousand dollars poorer?"

"Target in range. Ready... hug."

'Doors opening.' - 'Doors closing.' - 'Doors bored now.'

Tee for Two!

"I'm sorry I really can't take you seriously."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'A friendly reminder, Mr. Parker: There's only room for one long, raucous, 'what-a-stupid-question' laugh in this company, and it's not yours.'

Hip Operation

"...dry your eyes, m'boy, and always remember: Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, and the world laughs AT you."

Produce Fuji Apples. I told you that's not how "fudgey" is spelled.

'Scientists have confirmed that smiling is contagious.'

"No, dummy...that's not how we use a napkin!"

Amy Schumer