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'...and that concludes the emergency procedures. Since we have a few minutes before take-off, how many of you are familiar with 'Amway'?'

"But enough about me..."

Laugh break

"Even after all these years, you can still make me laughso hard I pee my pants...of course, I dod that when I sneeze, too!"

Cracked Quacks Strip: Cosmetic surgeon mix up.

'He's lost his voice...'

Tonight's comedy show will be interpreted for the chronically offended

"We're not getting too many kids this year."

"You were ho-ho-hoing in your sleep again!"

'Maybe we should have gone for a pommel horse.'

"Oh, I like coming to the dentists. It's the only place where people actually ask me to spit!"

"I'm not having it if it's been genetically modified."

'The plumber said he can't come right now, but promised to put us on his 'wading list'. Cute, huh?'

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

Snowprov

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

True confessions.

"That'll be five bucks."

'Look - a starfish, its manager, its agent, its minders, its significant other, its make-up artist, its personal trainer, its secretary, its astrologer, its feng shui consultant...'

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

'It's called 'cause and effect.' I pound this log and Tarzan goes bananas.'

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Two fishermen land on stumps. Man says to other, 'Is that enough structure for ya?!'

Cloning Dept. Ooh! She's got your eyes and nose, mouth...

'I said you're next, Hibblemeyer. . . Hibblemeyer!'

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

Joe's 'Take Responsibility For Your Own Actions' Bar.

Feedback card for lions eating their prey.

"Buzz off, Fly-boy. We don't need more accessories."

At Ireland's oldst and most respected school of dance, Mrs O'Hara made a terrible discovery... (Book entitled 'The book of Irish dancing vol. 2 - How to incorporate the arms')

"I've finally found a therapist who understands options."

'It's a boy. He's healthy and coming along fine, but he may be a little crnkt at birth owing to his claustrophobia. He will have feminine tendencies but is not actually gay. In fact, he'll eventually develop a taste for hard liquor and trashy women...'

'Congratulations! It's a bouncing baby boy!'

Grounded

'A Caesarian? - But I want my son to be a natural-born citizen!'